What the hay…!

BNU hasn’t opened yet but (get ready for the Shock of your life!) I’m looking forward to it opening. I look forward to getting up at a relatively fixed time, getting out of the house, meeting people, doing Taleem, cussing BNU futility of trying to seem like a uni, reminiscing about my beloved school and going over friendship and love problems which are bound to happen when a small band of people meet everyday and interact. At least I will have something to do. At least I’ll start talking again.

These summer holidays were proabably the worst I’ve ever had. Being stuck with a disturbed mind and an insane oneself is torture enough; add in a couple of problems and life becomes just beautiful. But all’s well that ends well. And insha’Allah I am and will be just myself again, and hopefully better. So that’s the past and once again, Al-Hamdulillah, I’m looking forward to the future.

Opening my eyes wide and gazing at the sun…

I’ve been thinking of blogging for a long while. Several times I have even begun writing and then left it after a paragraph or two. I have a lot on my mind these days but somehow it doesn’t want to be translated onto paper.

First and foremost, lets see what I have been upto. Nothing much, really. At least nothing of consequence. I have been busy and not really. Time passes some way or the other and yet I don’t realize when it does. I don’t think I really have a say in how I’m spending it or how it passes by so quickly and so slowly and once gone, I wonder what I have to show for it.

The other day I started a post and got down on paper what I’ve been doing recently with remarkable difficulty. But I didn’t feel like completing it and saved it instead. Now I can’t find it. Lol. So I’m not going to try do it again. Instead I’ll jsut discuss what comes to mind right now.

I’ve been sleeping, sitting online endlessly (doing nothing of consequence, of course), watching relatively more movies than I normally watch, praying a little but not really, and other things which I can’t think of right now.

Oh, I’ve been reading too. Al-Hamdulillah! I’ve fianlly started reading again. Maybe not voraciously as yet but still pretty regularly and eagerly. That’s a good start insha’Allah. I’ve started reading like this after years now and I know my writing has suffered coz of the lack of reading. I’m gonna try insha’Allah ot get back on track but lets see.

Writing I haven’t been doing which I’m sure everybody can guess. I ought to, but there are a lot of things I ought to do but I don’t. Now I’ve even become bayghairat and ceased to care. I think…Maybe there’s still hope. Wallahu Alam…

I’ve been learning how to drive. For the longest time. Lol. It’s sickening and embarrassing and tediously slow for me. I feel like killing myslef when a younger cousin tells me I learnt driving just by watching others drive. Another laughs when he sits with me; he does an entire commentary on how fast I’m driving and how the world is spinning by so fast he can actually make out the cyclers passing us by! Lol. (In my defence, when he sat with me, I was with my father who NEVER lets me drive faster than 30km/h…ya, u can laugh too but thats how it is!) I’m not finding the driving itself very difficult. I’m having trouble dealing with my self-consciousness and thus, controlling my temper.

Once I gave such a blatant show of insecurity, I was shocked at myself. This is in the days when I had just started learning how to drive and didn’t really know much crap about it. There’s this one female cousin I have who I don’t get along well with at all. She’s irritating and younger; a perfect combo for me to spill out my insecurity and self-consciousness at her. She was sitting in the back seat and in the front was my Bhabhi. We set off and in the beginning (and even now sometimes, to be honest) my car gave a bumpy ride. M, my cousin, has a tendency to overrreact and started wailing that she doesn’t want to die. Words flew outta my mouth before I could stop myself. Later I obviously regretted them. I don’t like to expose myself normally, so to speak. And I don’t really cuss much at all now. “M, will you shut the fuck up?”

I can give the explanation that in those days I was pretty screwed up mentally which is why I lost control and cursed. This isn’t entirely untrue but I think I know what the real problem is. It’s always been like this; I go to a new place, I meet new people, I’m in a new environment and I’ll be defensive. Not the usual defences people put, but super defensive and super self-conscious and super insecure. I’m assuming I just let my guards down too easily. Not good. I ought to work on this. (Work on it…hmmm..now where have I heard this before? Lol)

As usual, I don’t know what to name this post or how to conclude it since I’m basically rambling. Hehe. I need to start getting philosphical and intelligent again soon or my million readers will run away. Lol

*mahey* [ Ice Queen ] [Of wind chimes and a still night.]- says:

yeah….we’re the random people… *

we come and go…we stay for a while and then we’re gone…and we change lives..or moments…however short they are… *

 so thats good…something to be happy about

I wonder if I really am just a random person…

WAYS TO INCREASE OUR IMAAN:

 Recite and ponder on the meanings of the Quran. Tranquility then descends and our hearts become soft. To get optimum benefit, remind yourself that Allah is speaking to you. People are described in different categories in the Quran; think of which one you find yourself in.

 1.     Realize the greatness of Allah. Everything is under His control. There are signs in everything we see that points us to His greatness. Everything happens according to His permission. Allah keeps track and looks after everything, even a black ant on a black rock on a black moonless night.

2.     Make an effort to gain knowledge, for at least the basic things in daily life e.g. how to make wudu properly. Know the meanings behind Allah’s names and attributes. People who have taqwa are those who have knowledge.

3.     Attend gatherings where Allah is remembered. In such gatherings we are surrounded by angels.

4.     We have to increase our good deeds. One good deed leads to another good deed. Allah will make the way easy for someone who gives charity and also make it easy for him or her to do good deeds. Good deeds must be done continuously, not in spurts.

5.     We must fear the miserable end to our lives; the remembrance of death is the destroyer of pleasures.

6.     Remember the different levels of akhirah, for instance when we are put in our graves, when we are judged, whether we will be in paradise or hell.

7.     Make dua, realize that we need Allah. Be humble. Don’t covet material things in this life.

8.     Our love for Subhana Wa Ta’Ala must be shown in actions. We must hope Allah will accept our prayers, and be in constant fear that we do wrong. At night before going to sleep, we must think about what good we did during that day.

9.     Realize the effects of sins and disobedience- one’s imaan is increased with good deeds and our imaan is decreased by bad deeds. Everything that happens is because Allah wanted it. When calamity befalls us- it is also from Allah. It is a direct result of our disobedience to Allah.

I was juat reading a couple of blogs and felt horrible about not writing on my own. It’s been a long long while I have written something with the intention of letting my mind wander on paper (figuratively!) and blabbing to my hearts content. I have justified my procrastination and laziness with various reasons but today I thought enough is enough and its time to give myself a kick in the ass!

I started writing about myself generally and ended up writing about my beloved university, BNU. The university I havent gone to in 2 months and to which I have no desire to return to any time soon. The university which gave me so much…

Lets trace my journey in BNU  from the very beginning. I was happy in the beginning that A-Hamdulillah, I went with some friends who I knew from before, so  I was saved from the initial awkward, embarrassed and quiet phase that comes when I am exposed to a new hostile environment. I changed. BNU gave me its share of things to chew over. I was in a different environment, with different people, doing different things, thinking over different issues etc.

How ABSOLUTELY, UTTERLY, COMPLETELY mad BNU drove me in the beginning can be judged from  the article I wrote a long time back and which can be found somewhere in my archives. So I’m not gonna rehash those pleasant memories.

Lets move onto what we, as a “group” of 4 abaya-clad, relatively good students and the founders of the Prayer Room Commission contributed to BNU…our university-the center of our life, the focus of our thoughts, the throb of our hearts… 

We introduced the ‘Taliban’ Movement in the poor university; we forbade poor girls who wore jeans to use the washroom in the Prayer Room; we dessiminated Anti-BNU-spirit documents to create divisions amongst the unified community of BNU; we barged into classrooms, terrorised the teacher and students alike and warned them not to play loud music in or near our Prayer Room (or else…); and we were so successful that we even took the Administration under our wicked Taliban wing and sent out letters to the parents of ALL the children that they should dress up their children appropriately and decently, a.k.a in abayas and jubbas and hijabs and amamas.

As a university, BNU has given us a lot. It has given us the titles of “Ninjas” (quite unoriginal, I must say) and bestowed upon us the honor of starting Talibanisation in the university (personally I’m flattered! We must be really awe (or terror) inspiring that we actually motivated BNU (I REPEAT) BNU FOLKS to sit down, write, print, distribute and even hang up notices of “STOP TALIBANISATION IN BNU!!!” in every nook and cranny of the uni! All this done for 4 people…Chaa nahi gye hum? )

Like I said, I owe a lot to BNU. Specially a couple of lectures we got from Someone Special on how Islam wasnt spread by the sword and Dawah isn’t the job of normal Muslims but the work of scholars. But the most cherished gifts BNU blessed me with were the series of lectures we got from “excellent, spectacular, dazzling” experts and scholars of Islam. What knowledge I gained! What insight I got into the truth and reality of things! How grateful I  was to know that abayas are just cultural things, definitely not important, and how it is okay to do with modest clothes (define modest clothes??)! How absolutely motivated I felt to change the appearance of my husband when I was magnanimously told that beards were the trend of the Prophet’s time and that my husband shouldnt keep a beard because even Abu Jehel had a beard and we so don’t want to copy him, right?

I love and miss BNU from the bottom of my heart! May it prosper and continue to spread the love, beauty and modernity it is spreading!

LONG LIVE BNU!

Sometimes in order to help He makes us cry.
Happy the eye that sheds tears for His sake.
Fortunate the heart that burns for His sake.
Laughter always follows tears.
Blessed are those who understand.
Life blossoms wherever water flows.
Where tears are shed divine mercy is shown.

-Rumi, “Mathnawi”

When people address God in words – in the form of intimate conversation, petition and pleading, gratitude, remorse and repentance, and so on – they are in a position of separateness from God. When they address God directly through the heart, and when they listen to him in the heart, they are in a position of union with God.

-Qushayri, “Risalah”

It’s been a long long time since Ive updated my blog. Tis sad, I know, but I just didn’t feel like updating. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like nothing has been happening in my life. Lol. I’m getting married in 2 days insha’Allah. Hehe….So ‘happening’ it is, most certainly!

Oooo…marriage? Scary? Exciting? ‘Nervousing?”

It should be. Lol. I once said to my fiance (a month or so back, I think) that by the time we will actually get married, we will probably have had so much of everything, our own wedding will become all humdrum and boring for us. Lol! It hasn’t become boring abhi (Lol!) but its probably not THAT freaky an event for me as it might be for some other girl. Ya, I’m getting married. Yes, Khair Mubarik. Yes, Al-Hamdulillah I’m happy. Aur sunayen?

Hehe…

ok, maybe I’m exaggerating and it’s not like this. But close it is!

Duas for me, my million million regular readers! Please! Lol…

My brother operated on my mother today. Lol. She had some pustule (I think it’s called) and he slashed it to release the pus or whatever was in it. Now, my mother is very scared of needles and cuts and these minor surgeries. Lol. (I take this from her, by the way. Ironically, both my brother and fiance are doctors, the former becoming an internist insha’Allah and the latter a surgeon insha’Allah!)

Well, watching my mother squirm with pain, I felt my knees go weak and my legs all shaky. (That happens with me!) Sitting miles away since I couldn’t stand seeing the operation done, I just started thinking. Whenever I would have to go abroad, no matter how much I disregard it, I WOULD be far far away from my Ma Pa and when they would need me, I won’t be there. I guess all girls think about all this when they get married but with me it’s a bit different.

Lets compare my Ma with my Khala. Her son has gone abroad to study and has been away for four years now. She was ulta ultra depressed and still is but is fine Al-Hamdulillah since she has a younger daughter still living with her. Also, her married daughter lives next door as well. That’s huge. Khala may not realize it, but she is very very lucky, Masha’Allah.

Insha’Allah my Mum’s gonna be fine too. But I was just thinking. Seven years is a lot of time to stay away. And with my ma, it’s not only the daughter who is going away, but also her eldest son. Two kids away and insha’Allah away with their spouses. So hopefully, Insha’Allah they will be happy and busy. Ma left with one kid who is really a kid. Not age-wise, but waisay hi. But even being a kid, he has his own life, his own friends, his wife, even his own portion. Not much time to give to Ma Pa, even if he tries.

And I can’t really expect him to leave everything and accompany Ma Pa all the time since technically I’m dumping Ma Pa and running away.

Sitting there watching her with her eyes scrunched up with pain, her lips pressed together tightly, I thought what kind of life she would lead when I would be away. Not that I’m saying I’m all awesome, but I am the one who usually tries to stop the arguments in the family to flower into fights and the one who lightens up things when they get too rough. If nothing else, I’m always there to be with Ma during the day when she is all alone in the house, completely farigh and always there to give her reasons to get pissed off at me. Thus, I at least keep her occupied.

I’ve never been very close with Ma. Not that we don’t talk at all, but that I’ve never shared much with her. I’ve always discussed family politics with her; also troubles at home, problems with the extended family, and of course my fat too. But I’ve never talked to her about stuff that’s important to me. Like I can never imagine going up to my Ma and telling her how amazing my day went with P or how my latest story turned out and how much I love singing. You know. Of course, I don’t blame her because I’ve never tried either.

But just in that one moment when I couldn’t tolerate seeing her in pain, I thought what grief it would cause her when I wouldn’t be there in the afternoons when there would be nothing to do except lie on her gigantic bed and think what Bhayya and I would be doing in the States. Whether Bhayya had bought any suthray clothes ever. Whether I had stuffed myself up to the size of a pumpkin. Whether we both met often or at least called each other.

Nothing to do except think about past times and imagine future ones.

In that one moment, I realized how much my Ma’s life would change by the thing I sometimes so look forward to.

In that one moment, I realized how much I loved my Ma and how life would really really end for me if something happened to her, ever. God-forbid.