What the hay…!

The golden-brown paper cracked as I tried to open it. I quickly hid it under a pillow, and with abated breath, waited for my Mom to rush in angrily.

For what seemed like eternity, I waited. I could hear my father’s snores in the other room so I assumed they were still sleeping. I took out the small golden-brown paper and looked at it longingly. Why, oh, why? Why was I forbidden? The entire world did what I wanted to. A and B just had that ‘forbidden fruit’ today while I had just stared at them enviously. They were looking at me; A had that superior proud look in her eyes. But I obviously couldn’t do it at that time. Mom was around. Even if she hadn’t been, I couldn’t trust those two not to spill my beans.

I smelled the golden-brown paper. Ah! Just the smell excited my entire body and sent delicious tickles up my spine. I placed the cracking paper beneath the mound of blankets, pillows and cushions and decided to just rip it open. Like we rip off a bandage in one quick motion.

The crack echoed in the room and kept re-echoing (or so I thought!) till my heart fluttered in my throat. I waited nervously under the covers, shutting my eyes lightly, just resting the eyelashes on my cheeks. I had mastered the act of feigning sleep by now.  Lie down on the bed with your legs sprawled out, breathe normally, and don’t squeeze your eyes shut.

After waiting for another eternity and praying inwardly all the while, I heaved a sigh of relief and took out the tiny, but, precious treasure of treasures which was almost cruelly sealed shut in the golden-brown paper.

I looked at it, my eyes filling with pleasure, my taste-buds craving it. Then I looked at the door once again and thought glumly, “Why, o, why was I born fat?”

Carefully, as if touching a sacred symbol, I took out the chocolate, put it in my mouth, and laid back on the pillows blissfully as the chocolate led me into Elysium.

A few days ago, I finally decided to submit to my mother’s wishes and take up “walking” as a form of excercise.

(Those of you, who don’t know I’m fat, just die!)

Well, there’s this park near my house. It’s a small one, with a few swings here and there and two three broken benches in some corners. There are usually a lot of people there. Kids having fun, bigger boys playing football, still bigger boys out to “poondi” the poor girls and women alike who come to walk.

This time i saw this BIGGEST boy in the park, looking at the BIGGEST girl in the park.

(No, I’m not short of other adjectives, I just like the imagery!)

Well, if you don’t know already, the biggest girl is me, ofcourse. (Well, there’s this another Aunty, very…ahem…who comes to walk and eats Kurkure Chips while walking… No, I’m not making fun of her. I’m just tellingg…If I could, I would have done the same! Yum yum!)

Ok, so there I was, trying to walk as fast as I could. (If I had actually forced myself to move my *** away from the darn computer, I might as well should walk fast enough and make my Mom happy.) Well, it is usually that my Bhabi and I go together. The poor thing would probably start floating on air some time soon, but I need a companion.

As luck would have it, my Bhabhi fell ill the day before yesterday. The sweetheart agreed to go with me to the park, but after a few rounds, she started feeling ill so I told her to sit down. She went towards the swings to have a chat with the little ones there. I continued my vigorous walk.

As I was walking I noticed this newcomer in the park. He was a huge guy,well-dressed, a black woolen cap covering his huge head. (I sooo don’t wanna do any geebat or even make fun of him, but that’s the way he was. I hope Allah forgives me for the mere description.) Well, Al-Hamdulillah, now I am a old, old woman clad in a huge  chaadar covering me from head to toe. And to top it all off, I wear glasses too.

So when I thought this gorill* (shut up, Esh Tee!!) was looking in my direction a good number of times, I told myself that I’m just being a self-obssessed loser, trying to be as ‘cool’ as I once used to be. When I was used to turning a few heads. (No, I’m not self-obssessed! It’s the truth! Hehe.)

So I just shut my thoughts out and kept walking. Walking, walking, walking. I’m so happy the weather these days is  lovely or else I would have hated these walks. As it is, I really enjoy them because I love the cold caressing my hot red cheeks. (Yes, the slightest bit of excercise makes an apple outta me!)

So there I am, walking, and I keep thinking, “Is it my imagination or does this guy seem to pop up near my walking path a lot too much?”

 I still tell myself to shut up and get thin.

Suddenly, I see him stand near the most isolated corner of the park. (It’s not really isolated, the whole park can be seen from there, and the whole park can see that place, but still…there weren’t any people near it.) I think, O God, I don’t want him to approach me. So what do I do? I take out my cellular phone, which technically shouldn’t be called a cell because it sucks so much, and I pretend to talk to my ‘husband.’

“Jee? Jee, may aa rahee hoon. I’m on my way, honey. Don’t worry. I’m just coming. The children done with their homework?”

Apparently, the huge guy did not understand English. Or maybe, he was too busy thinking up a line to listen to what I was saying in my fake call.

Anyway, this round, the fake call saved me. I’m thinking of what next to do when I cross him. I plan.

The moment I know he can see me clearly enough, I start reading duas and stuff in my mouth. Moving my mouth very clearly, very noticeably. Get the message, boy. I’m married, have kids and to top it off, I’m also a fundo, conservo Maulvayan!

Well, apparently this time round he wasn’t going to be tricked. The moment I crossed him, I heard this voice:

“Esscuse me?”

Now, I am a loser, no matter how hard I try to deny the fact. I NEVER know how to react when a boy tries to talk to me. Should I just slap him for being audacious enough to just talk to me? Or should I walk past without listening to what he wants to say?

I mostly choose the worst option.

“Yes?” (in the most horrid, dryest voice I could manage. Oh, ya! My nose was in the air too, signalling violence.)

“Jee, FRAINDSHIP kerein gi aap mere se…”

I did not even let the poor guy complete his well-rehearsed line.

I burst into laughter right there in front of him!

I was like, “Nahii…”

My tone was mocking.

I walked past him without a word. I’m assuming the poor boy got embarassed because after that round, I saw walking outside the park.

I kept laughing inwardly till I reached the place where my Bhabhi was sitting. I told her the story and she said, ” Sanaaaa…what a dumb response! Please be politer. The poor guy is a human, after all. You should have politely asked him,’aap fraandship kerein gay mere mangaytar ke saath?’”

We didn’t stop laughing even when we had reached back home.

In my defense, I think I’ll say that laughing in his face at the idea of “fraandship” with him  was a pretty good response too.

No?

There should be one day in the week when Allah (AWJ) says “Go eat all you want, my child, without gaining a pound.”

*Sob*

I have such a craving to eat, its chewing me up raw!