I have no idea what I’m writing…

I’ve never liked re-reading something I’ve written. Too insecure, too cowardly-whatever you wanna call it. But I was just thinking that even though I’ve never visited my archives, I’m pretty sure that I’ve never really blogged in a good mood. Upset, definitely; depressed beyond belief, certainly; nostalgic, many atimes; maybe even normal sometimes but never happy, never excited.

I’m sure it might not come across as that bad since my lowest form of wit emerges a lot when I’m upset and can be funny at times so my blog doesn’t seem like a “whineboard” as some people might call it. lol. But it has been like that and I’m sad about it.

 One day when I’m sixty, old, toothless, terribly nostalgic and digging old graves and new, I might want to return to this blog and re-discover the 19-20 year old Sana. And what would that poor old hag find? Someone as depressed, as disturbed and as sick in the head as the old nagging woman of the 2050s. May my soul rest in peace, I’m sure the doppelganger in the blog wouldn’t help the dying woman in any way.

Tsk tsk and sigh…

All those blues…

I’ve reached the conclusion that sitting farigh has hazardous effects on my mental and physical health. For the past couple of weeks I’ve been really busy with college; attending make-up classes which ended after 5 almost every day, doing assignments, taking exams, fretting about, making and finally giving presentations, coming home around 6:30-7 almost every other day and feeling very important when treated kindly by my family since ‘I’ve been working so hard.’ Lol.

I’ve been loving the fretting, the complaints and the work itself. I finally feel like I’m learning new things, I’m making something out of my life, I’m gaining experiences which will stay with me at least awhile. I don’t feel as useless as I’ve been for a long time. I’m not being as lazy as I have always been (not pysically though-according to a recent report by my Ma, I sit, lie down, and crouch on the sofa 24 hours a day and it’s doing my nokain no good!).

Today, after weeks, the old Sana has been haunting me. Even though when I got up in the afternoon, lol, I made my bed, raced through the washroom with a wiper and did a thing here and there, I’ve been sitting idle for most of the time. Even though I have one exam and a test in the coming week, didn’t really feel like studying at all though I tried and even opened my books! Lol. But all in vain, since didn’t know what I felt like doing. I kept chanting to myself a list of things: Words and Images, Volpone, Huckleberry Fin, blogging, magazine, Creative Writing, response papers, maybe Eleven Minutes hi, eating some dessert, Gone with the Wind, watching TV, sitting online, starting a new book, watching a movie.

And then the chant is repeated again and yet again but I don’t feel like doing anything out of it at all.

Obviously after all this, depression is bound to sink in. I’m feeling low, thinking about nothing in particular; one specific thing haunts me day in day out but that’s nothing new. I’m just sad. Over nothing. Over everything.

Maybe I should go out and drive. Maybe I should go to a cousin’s place. Maybe I should eat something and feel better. Maybe I should run away. Maybe I should talk to somebody on the phone.

Nothing. Nobody. No place.

A thought…

*mahey* [ Ice Queen ] [Of wind chimes and a still night.]- says:

yeah….we’re the random people… *

we come and go…we stay for a while and then we’re gone…and we change lives..or moments…however short they are… *

 so thats good…something to be happy about

I wonder if I really am just a random person…

Ma…

My brother operated on my mother today. Lol. She had some pustule (I think it’s called) and he slashed it to release the pus or whatever was in it. Now, my mother is very scared of needles and cuts and these minor surgeries. Lol. (I take this from her, by the way. Ironically, both my brother and fiance are doctors, the former becoming an internist insha’Allah and the latter a surgeon insha’Allah!)

Well, watching my mother squirm with pain, I felt my knees go weak and my legs all shaky. (That happens with me!) Sitting miles away since I couldn’t stand seeing the operation done, I just started thinking. Whenever I would have to go abroad, no matter how much I disregard it, I WOULD be far far away from my Ma Pa and when they would need me, I won’t be there. I guess all girls think about all this when they get married but with me it’s a bit different.

Lets compare my Ma with my Khala. Her son has gone abroad to study and has been away for four years now. She was ulta ultra depressed and still is but is fine Al-Hamdulillah since she has a younger daughter still living with her. Also, her married daughter lives next door as well. That’s huge. Khala may not realize it, but she is very very lucky, Masha’Allah.

Insha’Allah my Mum’s gonna be fine too. But I was just thinking. Seven years is a lot of time to stay away. And with my ma, it’s not only the daughter who is going away, but also her eldest son. Two kids away and insha’Allah away with their spouses. So hopefully, Insha’Allah they will be happy and busy. Ma left with one kid who is really a kid. Not age-wise, but waisay hi. But even being a kid, he has his own life, his own friends, his wife, even his own portion. Not much time to give to Ma Pa, even if he tries.

And I can’t really expect him to leave everything and accompany Ma Pa all the time since technically I’m dumping Ma Pa and running away.

Sitting there watching her with her eyes scrunched up with pain, her lips pressed together tightly, I thought what kind of life she would lead when I would be away. Not that I’m saying I’m all awesome, but I am the one who usually tries to stop the arguments in the family to flower into fights and the one who lightens up things when they get too rough. If nothing else, I’m always there to be with Ma during the day when she is all alone in the house, completely farigh and always there to give her reasons to get pissed off at me. Thus, I at least keep her occupied.

I’ve never been very close with Ma. Not that we don’t talk at all, but that I’ve never shared much with her. I’ve always discussed family politics with her; also troubles at home, problems with the extended family, and of course my fat too. But I’ve never talked to her about stuff that’s important to me. Like I can never imagine going up to my Ma and telling her how amazing my day went with P or how my latest story turned out and how much I love singing. You know. Of course, I don’t blame her because I’ve never tried either.

But just in that one moment when I couldn’t tolerate seeing her in pain, I thought what grief it would cause her when I wouldn’t be there in the afternoons when there would be nothing to do except lie on her gigantic bed and think what Bhayya and I would be doing in the States. Whether Bhayya had bought any suthray clothes ever. Whether I had stuffed myself up to the size of a pumpkin. Whether we both met often or at least called each other.

Nothing to do except think about past times and imagine future ones.

In that one moment, I realized how much my Ma’s life would change by the thing I sometimes so look forward to.

In that one moment, I realized how much I loved my Ma and how life would really really end for me if something happened to her, ever. God-forbid.

Cherished memories…*I miss you*

Today is a weird day. Firstly, it’s a Sunday. Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against Sundays. Only that I have this thing of HAVING to go out of the house at least once a day and if that doesn’t happen, I become super-cranky.

Then, I woke up this morning after some super-horrible dream. Not horrible, really. Just making me rehash memories and making me feel what I haven’t felt in ages. It was about P, how she has come here only for 2 days ang God knows what.

It felt quite awful. Because it felt exactly as if she really had come. And obviously, when I opened my eyes, everything was the same as before. Didn’t feel too good, mark my words.

Funny thing is…when i woke up, I didn’t immediately remember if I had had a dream or what it was about. But what was funny was the fact that I woke up and started acting all like a baby…the way I used to some months back…I couldn’t really figure out why. But obviously, the dream hit me and I found out why.

Now, the second I came online, Appley sent me these msges:

*apple* says:

i just read that thing

*apple* says:

i wrote for u n P wen she was leaving

*apple* says:

now im sad

Nostalgia struck, obviously. I read the thing she was talking about. Lol. So many memories flooded me, I actually felt breathless for a moment! I thought I would post it up here, just so that you people can have a share in Appley’s wisdom. lol.

P.S. For those of you who don’t know anything about me and P, we were more than best friends for a year and a half but then our school ended and we both moved along separate ways (I came to this excuse of a university, BNU, though I prefer the name Mickey Mouse University, and she is in England doing ACCA) but Al-Hamdulillah, we are still more than best friends, still in contact, still in ‘love’, still eating each other’s brains out every now and then. Hehe.

But I miss her like never before too.

When Z was leaving, I made her an unfinished file of memories and asked a couple of our  friends to write something for us. This is what Appley dearest, the writer, the sage, the experienced, wrote for us.

Salams paijaans, 

I know Sana wanted this to be handwritten but I’m as far from pens and papers these days as Sana has always been from neat handwriting =P lol, yes if I’m going through the trouble of writing this very difficult thing that I have been asked to write I WILL make jokes about both of you. 

So where do I start about the two of you? I don’t think I can add a lot to what you people have or what the both of you should do to make it even better but what I can offer, from my VAST experience in this field is advice about what NOT to do. I realize most of the things I’d write here are ones that you know already but I’ll just write em down for reminder sake. 

When two people are as close as you two are, one often tends to forget the boundaries where your own life ends and the other one’s begins. As close as you might be to each other never feel like you own or possess the other person. Always value each others’ views and respect the boundaries. Very often when you’re this close the boundaries tend to blur themselves and when you try to control the other person and she has to tell you that afterall it’s HER life, it comes to you as a shock. 

The worst thing that people can do is take each other for granted. Never think, uska kya hai who to hamaisha hee meri friend rahay gee. The little gestures, saying ‘I love you’ at the end of every phonecall, surprising each other with lil gifts, listening to each other rant about random things, crying together, laughing together, telling each other five minutes after meeting ‘I miss you already’, tend to be taken for granted gradually. It becomes very routine and the three words ‘I love you’ sound very common. Never let yourself think the other person doesn’t mean what she says, that she is obliged to say it to you, that it’s just out of aadat. Always believe in the love you have for each other, value each other. I read somewhere:  

Never take someone for granted. You might wake up one day and realizethat you lost a diamond while you were too busy searching for stones. 

A’Levels has ended, and we all have moved on and moved apart. As difficult that is to digest it is the truth. But this is where the real test of friendship begins. Nothing binds us together now, not school, not tuitions, not Zarish teaching
Sana Math, not
Sana lending Zarish Paulo Coelho books. What binds you two together is friendship and that alone only. You’re out of school, things will change, don’t expect them to remain the same. You will contact lesser than you used to, not because you don’t want to, just because its physically not possible coz of the distance. The key to any successful relationship lies in not living in the past, but the present and not worrying about the future. Don’t get caught up in the past coz as stupid as it might sound right now, it is very tempting, trying to live on memories. You will miss each other but don’t let that become your obsession. Remember each other in your prayers, write to each other, try to keep in contact but if the busy university life doesn’t allow you enough time don’t let yourself feel bad about it and don’t feel that the other person doesn’t love you anymore. I have never agreed with the ego theory that you people had but I always believe high self-esteem is absolutely necessary for any kind of relationship. I’ll enclose something for you two which was said by Kahlil Jibran in a very different context but I guess it would work for you too  

Love one another but make not a bond of love:Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.And stand together, yet not too near together:For the pillars of the temple stand apart,And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’ 

And lastly never let your friendship be a source of displeasure for Allah for such worldly friendships are always short-lived. Guide each other and protect each other, always knowing where your responsibility stops and the other one’s begins. 

May you two enjoy the life long friendship everyone yearns for, may your husbands be best friends, may your kids get married to each other and may you bring loads of presents for me coz I wrote sweet things for you =D 

Love, yours Truly,T and T!

Too many problems…

Ever felt like there are too many things going wrong in the world and you wanna question God why does He let it be? Well, normally I don’t reach the point of actually thinking of questioning Him but today I was struck down; one horrible/complicated/sad news after the other. And by the end of it all, I made the stupid mistake of thinking out loud in front of a roomful of people, “Buss Allah mian, aap say tau milna hai! Too many questions to ask You!”

I know that doesn’t sound like much, but in a place like BNU, I personally think people who claim to be proud of their identity (like wearing your ‘labels’ if you are a Muslim or claiming to be a Satanist, for example) must be very careful. What image are they portraying? Can any body get the wrong idea about them and then judge their beliefs according to what he think of them?

Well, I guess in today’s world, Muslims especially have to think about this before doing anything. You know, so that people don’t see them doing something wrong and generalise, “See, all Muslims are like that!” Or “All hijabis are like that!”

Blahh!

I mean, I normally don’t have any problem in being careful but sometimes I just think. Why is a set of beliefs judged according to the people who practice it? Or even if people do not judge the beliefs but the believers, like some people claim, then why don’t they show some guts and have the gall to go try and practice their beliefs perfectly themselves instead of just criticizing the people who at least try?

Lol! I’m being too stupid and judgemental here. Probably because I’m a bit disturbed in the head. Lol! NO, I do not mean I’m retarded, only that I’m a little upset by all that’s happening around me. People  who I really really care for are upset, confused, stuck in complicated situations. It just hurts me.

Blehhh…I don’t even know where this post is going. Just forget it and stop reading it!

I’m crazy!

Regrets…

As usual, it’s 3:18 am and I’m sitting here, thinking. I was just thinking back to the Hajj days. The days that were and should have been full of serenity, beauty, peace of soul, happiness and that feeling of holiness pervading your soul. You know? They were, Al-Hamdulillah.

But now I sit back and think, there were so many moments over there that I wasted. Only a 22-day trip and there I was, wasting so many moments thinking about worldly things. Or getting upset because of a number of factors that bothered me over there. Something related to myself and the people I was with. All stupid, now that I think about it.

Now that I’m back, I think how could I possibly do that? How could I waste all those moments that I spent in being upset, low, or pissed or just plain brooding that I should have in fact spent in happiness? Being happy Allah blessed me. What greater blessing than the fact  that I was THERE?!

I wish I had realized how blessed every moment is and how happy I should have been, instead of getting upset about trivial things. Now I call all the problems trivial. Then they seemed all-important and all-encompassing. Now I (if I could) curse myself for wasting all those precious moments that I could have spent in joy, in happiness, in the peace that comes with the love and blessings of Allah.

And while telling P all this, I suddenly realized that this is exactly how life is. We waste so much of our time mourning and whining and crying over things which seem all-encompassing and all important. And later in life, we regret wasting all those moments in misery over the all-encompassing matters(which seem trivial later) when we could have spent them in happiness by counting all the blessings of Allah.

I mean, who doesn’t wanna be happy?

But instead of wasting our time listing our miseries and problems, we can start “earning” happiness. Like my Dulhan Rani, Blogging Cousin Part 1 very adequately puts, “And happiness is something that is earned. We all have an absolutely logical explanation for staying unhappy all our lives, trust me.”

The best things…

…in life happen when they are least expected.

That’s what I have always believed because that’s what I have seen happening with me all my life.

I should have foreseen the Disaster which befell yesterday. I should have known. I was expecting too much, I was anticipating too much, and I was getting excited for no reason all too much. Lol. Usually these are clear indications that my dreams are gonna fall apart. Lol. So usually I prepare myself beforehand. Not this time, though.

You get where I am leading you to? You know how in life there are many times when you know something exciting, something great, something FUN is gonna happen and you look forward to it eagerly? You wait for it to happen? And then when finally the time comes for your ‘dreams’ to come true, things fall apart and nothing goes according to your expectations?

And then there are some times you don’t really know what to expect from a certain person, a certain event, a certain place? Or you don’t know how something may turn out? Or maybe you just don’t know something is gonna happen? And this time, this person, this happening turns out to be the best moments, the most beloved, the most cherished memories?

Well, that’s what I’m talking about right now.

I was waiting for something to happen. And when it finally did, everything fell apart. And I reacted stupidly. Immature, in my opinion.

I got pissed; took out the anger at the wrong person at the wrong time; threw tantrums; screamed at my family; fought with my parents; stayed depressed the entire time.

Why?

Just because something didn’t go quite to my liking.

I mean, now when I have slept over it (that’s my remedy for every disease!) I realize how selfish, how immature and how ungrateful it all is. Sometimes when things don’t go quite to my liking, I’ll act all stupid, get depressed, think I’m the most miserable victim of all time. And when Allah blesses me with unexpected happiness and surprises, life’s “fine” then?

How ungrateful! True is it when they say man is an ungrateful wretch. Or in the words of a great writer (me! ) “Humans are asses.”

Another lesson well-learnt: Never expect too much. Especially if it may not be all that Halal.

Question…

Contentment is a bigger blessing than happiness.

Right or Wrong?

A convo…

Lol…I’ve been sitting on the computer for six seven hours straight! Probably that’s why I’ve gone crazy posting, posting and posting on my blog. This is a conversation that I just had with a friend of mine. I copied it to send to a cousin of mine, and then I thought, “What the heck? Lets just post it on the blog!” So…here it is. My poor friend was very conscious of her nick but I told her it would serve as comic relief! Lol.

My mouth is on fire says:you know i had this revert friend

My mouth is on fire says:

lucy

My mouth is on fire says:

she reverted like in 2003

My mouth is on fire says:

and hid her islam from her parents

~*ST*~ says:

OK

My mouth is on fire says:amd she used to be really afraid to tell them abt itMy mouth is on fire says:

and she used to tell me that

My mouth is on fire says:

the hardest was praying

My mouth is on fire says:

because she had to lock the door

~*ST*~ says:

obviously

My mouth is on fire says:

and during ramadhan she used to stay outside

My mouth is on fire says:

so that her parents dont force her to eat

My mouth is on fire says:and she started wearin hijab

My mouth is on fire says:

telling her mum its jst for fun

~*ST*~ says:

wat age?

My mouth is on fire says:

her mum ripped it off and refused to take her

My mouth is on fire says:

to the uni

My mouth is on fire says:

19

My mouth is on fire says:

my age

My mouth is on fire says:that was 2 years

~*ST*~ says:

poor girlie

My mouth is on fire says:

so she used to get up at 6

My mouth is on fire says:

in winters

My mouth is on fire says:

and walk all the way to the bus station

My mouth is on fire says:

then finally when she told her parents

My mouth is on fire says:

they chucked her out of the houseMy mouth is on fire says:so she wasn’t online for a couple of weeks

My mouth is on fire says:

and now finally, she’s married and moving to Saudia arabia ~*ST*~ says:btw how did she revertMy mouth is on fire says:she didnt like christanity

My mouth is on fire says:

so she started to think abt other religions

My mouth is on fire says:

just in her mind

My mouth is on fire says:

then she had algerian neighbours

My mouth is on fire says:

so she just took a copy of quran or something

My mouth is on fire says:

thats itMy mouth is on fire says:it didnt take long and allMy mouth is on fire says:I’m still wearing hijaab, it got a lot worse with my parents after I last blogged, with my mother hitting me but I’m really happy to still be wearing it.

THIS IS FROM HER BLOG~*ST*~ says:saddMy mouth is on fire says:yeh but she’s all happy now

~*ST*~ says:

im so happy for her!

My mouth is on fire says:

yeh me too

~*ST*~ says:

Al-Hamdulillah

~*ST*~ says:

but that just sucks man! all da born muslims r such farigh ppl…v dont even realize wat a blessin it is to b able to practice our religion araam say, so easily…My mouth is on fire says:exactly!!!

My mouth is on fire says:

we cant even be bothered to pray

My mouth is on fire says:

this makes me so depressed

~*ST*~ says:

i no man

~*ST*~ says:

it makes me pissed sometimes~*ST*~ says:at my family, myself, my friends. They CAN practice their religion easily, but do they?!

Ugh…