Reading, driving, writing, rambling…

I’ve been thinking of blogging for a long while. Several times I have even begun writing and then left it after a paragraph or two. I have a lot on my mind these days but somehow it doesn’t want to be translated onto paper.

First and foremost, lets see what I have been upto. Nothing much, really. At least nothing of consequence. I have been busy and not really. Time passes some way or the other and yet I don’t realize when it does. I don’t think I really have a say in how I’m spending it or how it passes by so quickly and so slowly and once gone, I wonder what I have to show for it.

The other day I started a post and got down on paper what I’ve been doing recently with remarkable difficulty. But I didn’t feel like completing it and saved it instead. Now I can’t find it. Lol. So I’m not going to try do it again. Instead I’ll jsut discuss what comes to mind right now.

I’ve been sleeping, sitting online endlessly (doing nothing of consequence, of course), watching relatively more movies than I normally watch, praying a little but not really, and other things which I can’t think of right now.

Oh, I’ve been reading too. Al-Hamdulillah! I’ve fianlly started reading again. Maybe not voraciously as yet but still pretty regularly and eagerly. That’s a good start insha’Allah. I’ve started reading like this after years now and I know my writing has suffered coz of the lack of reading. I’m gonna try insha’Allah ot get back on track but lets see.

Writing I haven’t been doing which I’m sure everybody can guess. I ought to, but there are a lot of things I ought to do but I don’t. Now I’ve even become bayghairat and ceased to care. I think…Maybe there’s still hope. Wallahu Alam…

I’ve been learning how to drive. For the longest time. Lol. It’s sickening and embarrassing and tediously slow for me. I feel like killing myslef when a younger cousin tells me I learnt driving just by watching others drive. Another laughs when he sits with me; he does an entire commentary on how fast I’m driving and how the world is spinning by so fast he can actually make out the cyclers passing us by! Lol. (In my defence, when he sat with me, I was with my father who NEVER lets me drive faster than 30km/h…ya, u can laugh too but thats how it is!) I’m not finding the driving itself very difficult. I’m having trouble dealing with my self-consciousness and thus, controlling my temper.

Once I gave such a blatant show of insecurity, I was shocked at myself. This is in the days when I had just started learning how to drive and didn’t really know much crap about it. There’s this one female cousin I have who I don’t get along well with at all. She’s irritating and younger; a perfect combo for me to spill out my insecurity and self-consciousness at her. She was sitting in the back seat and in the front was my Bhabhi. We set off and in the beginning (and even now sometimes, to be honest) my car gave a bumpy ride. M, my cousin, has a tendency to overrreact and started wailing that she doesn’t want to die. Words flew outta my mouth before I could stop myself. Later I obviously regretted them. I don’t like to expose myself normally, so to speak. And I don’t really cuss much at all now. “M, will you shut the fuck up?”

I can give the explanation that in those days I was pretty screwed up mentally which is why I lost control and cursed. This isn’t entirely untrue but I think I know what the real problem is. It’s always been like this; I go to a new place, I meet new people, I’m in a new environment and I’ll be defensive. Not the usual defences people put, but super defensive and super self-conscious and super insecure. I’m assuming I just let my guards down too easily. Not good. I ought to work on this. (Work on it…hmmm..now where have I heard this before? Lol)

As usual, I don’t know what to name this post or how to conclude it since I’m basically rambling. Hehe. I need to start getting philosphical and intelligent again soon or my million readers will run away. Lol