Ma…

My brother operated on my mother today. Lol. She had some pustule (I think it’s called) and he slashed it to release the pus or whatever was in it. Now, my mother is very scared of needles and cuts and these minor surgeries. Lol. (I take this from her, by the way. Ironically, both my brother and fiance are doctors, the former becoming an internist insha’Allah and the latter a surgeon insha’Allah!)

Well, watching my mother squirm with pain, I felt my knees go weak and my legs all shaky. (That happens with me!) Sitting miles away since I couldn’t stand seeing the operation done, I just started thinking. Whenever I would have to go abroad, no matter how much I disregard it, I WOULD be far far away from my Ma Pa and when they would need me, I won’t be there. I guess all girls think about all this when they get married but with me it’s a bit different.

Lets compare my Ma with my Khala. Her son has gone abroad to study and has been away for four years now. She was ulta ultra depressed and still is but is fine Al-Hamdulillah since she has a younger daughter still living with her. Also, her married daughter lives next door as well. That’s huge. Khala may not realize it, but she is very very lucky, Masha’Allah.

Insha’Allah my Mum’s gonna be fine too. But I was just thinking. Seven years is a lot of time to stay away. And with my ma, it’s not only the daughter who is going away, but also her eldest son. Two kids away and insha’Allah away with their spouses. So hopefully, Insha’Allah they will be happy and busy. Ma left with one kid who is really a kid. Not age-wise, but waisay hi. But even being a kid, he has his own life, his own friends, his wife, even his own portion. Not much time to give to Ma Pa, even if he tries.

And I can’t really expect him to leave everything and accompany Ma Pa all the time since technically I’m dumping Ma Pa and running away.

Sitting there watching her with her eyes scrunched up with pain, her lips pressed together tightly, I thought what kind of life she would lead when I would be away. Not that I’m saying I’m all awesome, but I am the one who usually tries to stop the arguments in the family to flower into fights and the one who lightens up things when they get too rough. If nothing else, I’m always there to be with Ma during the day when she is all alone in the house, completely farigh and always there to give her reasons to get pissed off at me. Thus, I at least keep her occupied.

I’ve never been very close with Ma. Not that we don’t talk at all, but that I’ve never shared much with her. I’ve always discussed family politics with her; also troubles at home, problems with the extended family, and of course my fat too. But I’ve never talked to her about stuff that’s important to me. Like I can never imagine going up to my Ma and telling her how amazing my day went with P or how my latest story turned out and how much I love singing. You know. Of course, I don’t blame her because I’ve never tried either.

But just in that one moment when I couldn’t tolerate seeing her in pain, I thought what grief it would cause her when I wouldn’t be there in the afternoons when there would be nothing to do except lie on her gigantic bed and think what Bhayya and I would be doing in the States. Whether Bhayya had bought any suthray clothes ever. Whether I had stuffed myself up to the size of a pumpkin. Whether we both met often or at least called each other.

Nothing to do except think about past times and imagine future ones.

In that one moment, I realized how much my Ma’s life would change by the thing I sometimes so look forward to.

In that one moment, I realized how much I loved my Ma and how life would really really end for me if something happened to her, ever. God-forbid.